The other day I had a Facebook memory pop up from when I walked in a fashion show 6 years ago. The photo was a close up of my face. My first reaction was “wow, my face used to be that thin, I use to be that skinny?!” So after I put my son to bed I decided to look back on my modeling photos. I was looking at my photos and obsessing over them as I looked down on my swollen legs, and stretch marks on my 28 week pregnant stomach.
After having my son in September 2016 I was 30 pounds heavier. My wedding rings no longer fit, my shirts were skin tight and I had to kiss all my pants goodbye. I do remember getting upset a few times about my body like when I went bathing suit shopping for the first time after having him, or when I would casually try to put my wedding rings back on my finger. But to be honest I never got to the point where I did the other day. I Just wanted that “18 year old” body back so desperately.
…it was easy to forget that at the time these photos were taken, I never felt comfortable in my own skin.
As I looked back at these photos of a young kid in high school it was easy to forget that at the time these photos were taken, I never felt comfortable in my own skin.
I remember never feeling like my weight was good enough. I remember always thinking I was fat. I remember the struggle with my eating disorder. I remember the dentist telling me my teeth were rotting away. I remember developing stomach issues. I remember feeling so ugly and not good enough. All I wanted was more shoots and any shoot I didn’t get my body would get punished. As you Can see in the photo to the right, my body was screaming for nutrition and care.
My senior year of high school was probably my worst year. Everyone surrounding me was being accepted into college. Everyone seemed to have their life planned out. I didn’t know what I wanted to do. All I knew how to do was model (so I told myself). So I felt the pressure to try to be the best in that. I got completely obsessed with trying to make myself look like this impossible image I made up in my mind. The image most girls strive to look like… The image most girls think is a reality.
While I am thankful for the experience with modeling I’m also thankful I realized what it truly did to me. After being told my health was going downhill I eventually accepted it. So at what point in our lives are we supposed to feel comfortable in our own skin? When are we supposed to feel beautiful regardless of weight, regardless of makeup, regardless of hair? I know I don’t want to live my whole life wishing I looked differently. I don’t want to spend my life looking back at previous photos wishing I could go back to looking like that, when really, in that moment, I didn’t feel beautiful anyway.
I have a “mom-bod” now.
I have a “mom-bod” now. I have the c-section scar, the stretch marks, the saggy boobs, the extra flub, and now I currently am growing another human being. So I’ll have all this x2. My body carried two miracles. So yea it might not be “Model Material” but I received the most precious gifts anyone could ever receive. Heck, not only that but it brought out strength I never knew I had. I’m no longer that 18 year old girl. Outwardly I may lack what I used to have but I’ve gained so much knowledge, courage, and love through becoming a mother, and I’ll remind myself this anytime my eyes wonder of what truly matters.