One week after bringing Isaiah home I missed the hospital. Could I really be that insane to miss a place like that? Could I be even more insane to be feeling so helpless, so terrified, so vulnerable?
What about feeling guilty and not knowing why you are feeling guilty? These feelings and emotions were a constant weight pulling me down.
I felt so guilty that I tried making up reasons to feel guilty. Such as telling myself I’m not a good mom and that I can’t do this. I would act like I had everything under control, I would put on a continuous smile and inside I was screaming for help. Asking for help would make me weak.
‘You are a mom now, you can’t be weak.’
‘You are a terrible mom’
Anything I thought or did would come down to me telling myself these things. It was a repetitive cycle.
Have you ever felt that dark sinking feeling? Like weights holding you down beneath water? Like your heart being ripped out of your chest? Like your stomach dropping? I felt all that and it changed me. It made me fall into depression so easily. Now that I have a tiny human to take care of, he is my first priority. I never really put the time into taking care of myself especially because I felt so gross about how I felt. I wanted to ignore it for as long as possible.
When you start having some intense thoughts like wondering if your son is better off without you, or having some real trouble trying to find any self worth, you realize there is an issue going on deep down. I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety before, and I always seemed to push past it but this time around postpartum was just too much for me. It’s not something you can fix overnight. It’s not something you can change by thinking differently or going outside for a walk on a nice day. it’s not something where you can tell others how they can cope or how they can heal. It’s sadly not simple.
Postpartum depression and anxiety can be looked down on by many because it’s supposed to be the best time of your life. But listen when I say we still love and adore our babies. I’m not sure why some go through this and some don’t. Either way it doesn’t make anyone more or less of a mother. It doesn’t make anyone more or less of a human.
I have my good days and I have my bad days. The good days are simply amazing. I have this perfect little human that always smiles and brings me so much joy and warmth. The bad days make me forget I ever had a good day. They come right when I finally have a sense of hope. I feel heavy and I feel helpless. I feel like crying and I feel like hiding. It’s so complicated to explain to someone even more so if they didn’t give birth and experience any postpartum depression and anxiety themselves.
But everyday is a struggle and everyday I need to push to get better. I was blessed with my son and my son needs me. Your baby needs you too.